Stitches

Alright, I'll be honest. What got me to watch this movie was the description, which read: "Have you ever seen a human balloon animal?" And I thought to myself, "why no, Netflix, I certainly have not." I couldn't resist. I was hooked by my morbid fascination with extremely horrifying things.I have a few problems with this movie, the first being WHY DID MOM HIRE THIS GUY?!

                                                    "Kids, your molester's here!"

Seriously, THAT'S Stitches before he was murdered in the face. Which he was. Because, I don't know....HE'S FUCKING FRIGHTENING. He also almost hit them with his car when he arrived. I would be pretty pissed too.

Anywho, the premise revolves around Stitches getting murdered (as stated) by the aforementioned children. Now, apparently, clowns have a super secret society where they put their souls in eggs painted to match their makeup.

Add a few years of hard drug use and failed community college courses and we have ourselves a dead ringer.

So this means that Stitches comes back to life and starts killing of the kids (now teenagers) that killed him. He succeeds in offing a few before we get to the Oscar nominated scene, the crème de la crème, the GLORIOUS moment when I finally get to see the human balloon animal! I was sweaty with anticipation .

Awww, it's a doggy!

Yep, turns out he uses the intestines. You know, he'd actually be a good clown, if it weren't for the being

 dead and murdering kids thing. 
There's some other characters that I probably should have mentioned, but none of them are as entertaining as 
Ross fucking Noble. I didn't know who that was before this movie, but his name is the ONLY name on the
posters for the movie, so it's the only one that matters. Plus, those kids just died. That's it. Stitches delighted me
with kooky hijinks and one- liners. 

On an ending note, I've never seen a movie open up to a woman screaming "FUCK ME CLOWN, FUCK 
ME CLOWN!"

I'm waiting for him to pull brightly colored scarves out of her butt.

Favorite Scene:

It's a tie between human balloon animal and fuck me clown.

Because...

I'm a sad, strange little person.

Final Score:

3 out of 5

It would have been 4, but there's a scene where he hurts a kitty cat :,( I don't jive with that shit, man.

LOL

So, because I watched Grey's Anatomy (all of you hush with your comments), obviously, I want to see Miley Cyrus and Demi Moore slightly before their FameTrains derailed and crashed tragically.

                                      Miley's body was recovered, but was terribly disfigured

The premise is that Demi Moore and Miley Cyrus need money really bad are mother and daughter. The Netflix summary references Miley's character and her whorish friends attempting "daring" hookups (can I assume it's on top of the Eiffel Tower? I'm going to assume that).  The first thing I notice is the unrealistically attractive math teacher, Mr. Ross:

                                        There is NO way that shirt is dress-code appropriate

Mr. Ross comes with an entire class of girls that want to see his Pythagorean theorem, or whatever cool slang kids are using these days. Most notably is (Miley's character)Lola's friend, the fawning idiot above who is convinced that she will witness some math schlong. It isn't taking much to make me hate this. Most of what I've seen involves high school girls acting like sluts. Which, hey, I'm sure that's extremely accurate in many places, but Jesus, shouldn't we at least try to give them good influences to look up to?

And I am now witnessing a wonderful scene involving Lola smoking pot with a guy friend (and asking him to have sex with her) at the same time that her mother and her friends are also smoking pot (and talking about sex). It's wonderful that this movie shows how similar a teenage girl can be to her mom (if her mom is a whore/pot smoker).

Keep in mind, I have heard about sex and seen more ass in this movie than anything else I have watched lately. And this is PG-13. Suddenly, some things about teens today are starting to make sense...

                                                            "Is this how you use it??"

Alright, before I have a brain aneurysm, I have to stop writing about this. She hooks up with the dark, brooding guy that she totally shouldn't have feelings for because teenagers. I don't fucking know or care. Half of my brain cells voluntarily committed suicide with this pile of crap.

Favorite Scene:
An 8-year old putting on headphones and stating, "I hate my life."
Because...
I'm pretty sure they just caught him on his break after downing half a bottle of Jack and smoking a doob. That's the only way to come to terms with your parents shoving you in horseshit like this.

Final Score:
0 out of 5
Do I even need an explanation for this rating?


                                     

My Bride is a Mermaid

So, first thing I notice is the CUTE! anime. Then, I noticed the TV-MA rating. Now, for anime, this can mean anything. Most often, it's fanservice or violence...

                                                                     or both.

The second thing I noticed, because I'm a lazy english-speaker, is the voice actors. The same voice actor does both Nagasumi's voice (the main character) and Keroro's voice (from the Sgt. Frog anime).

                                                     The resemblance is uncanny

Anyways, the whole anime starts as what I can only imagine is a teenage boy's wet dream of almost drowning and being saved by a beautiful girl. Pretty basic anime premise. Actually, most of it is a pretty basic anime premise. Because this also means that things can never be simple, he must also marry her. Which I guess is okay because she's a totally cute mermaid and not at all the creepy kind you would imagine:

You're probably asking why he has to marry her. And the answer is it's anime, you tard she can't save a human, due to the laws of being a mermaid, she shouldn't have saved him....or something. It's definitely something like that. I have to admit, if I weren't drinking Four Loko right now, I wouldn't have gotten through the first episode. Now I'm on episode 2 and she's talking about being wet. And turning back into a mermaid when she gets wet.

WITH WATER, you perverts. This is interesting, because getting wet turning people into something else has never been seen in an anime before.

                                                                    Nope. Never.
Favorite Scene:
The tail/leg drying scene.
Because...
"Damn, you got this too wet."
"That hurts, Nagasumi, slow down."
...I THINK they were trying for something else in that scene. It's just so subtle, I can't figure it out.

Final Score:
3 out of 5 
It was moderately enjoyable, for the sexual innuendo, but then I remembered that they're junior high students, so before I'm asked to have a seat over there, I knocked down the score a bit.