Stitches

Alright, I'll be honest. What got me to watch this movie was the description, which read: "Have you ever seen a human balloon animal?" And I thought to myself, "why no, Netflix, I certainly have not." I couldn't resist. I was hooked by my morbid fascination with extremely horrifying things.I have a few problems with this movie, the first being WHY DID MOM HIRE THIS GUY?!

                                                    "Kids, your molester's here!"

Seriously, THAT'S Stitches before he was murdered in the face. Which he was. Because, I don't know....HE'S FUCKING FRIGHTENING. He also almost hit them with his car when he arrived. I would be pretty pissed too.

Anywho, the premise revolves around Stitches getting murdered (as stated) by the aforementioned children. Now, apparently, clowns have a super secret society where they put their souls in eggs painted to match their makeup.

Add a few years of hard drug use and failed community college courses and we have ourselves a dead ringer.

So this means that Stitches comes back to life and starts killing of the kids (now teenagers) that killed him. He succeeds in offing a few before we get to the Oscar nominated scene, the crème de la crème, the GLORIOUS moment when I finally get to see the human balloon animal! I was sweaty with anticipation .

Awww, it's a doggy!

Yep, turns out he uses the intestines. You know, he'd actually be a good clown, if it weren't for the being

 dead and murdering kids thing. 
There's some other characters that I probably should have mentioned, but none of them are as entertaining as 
Ross fucking Noble. I didn't know who that was before this movie, but his name is the ONLY name on the
posters for the movie, so it's the only one that matters. Plus, those kids just died. That's it. Stitches delighted me
with kooky hijinks and one- liners. 

On an ending note, I've never seen a movie open up to a woman screaming "FUCK ME CLOWN, FUCK 
ME CLOWN!"

I'm waiting for him to pull brightly colored scarves out of her butt.

Favorite Scene:

It's a tie between human balloon animal and fuck me clown.

Because...

I'm a sad, strange little person.

Final Score:

3 out of 5

It would have been 4, but there's a scene where he hurts a kitty cat :,( I don't jive with that shit, man.